THE BOATS! THE BOATS!

Shh. Hear that? Sounds like white noise? It's the sound of a policy vacuum.

And smell that? Mildew? That's the odor of dead scruples.

Given the depressing lack of substance, intellect or choice in candidates or media scrutiny, I had planned to ignore the looming federal poll but then, watching former Foreign Minister Alexandra Downer and the sinister ex-Prime Minister John Winston Horror himself wrestling for media attention, I was driven alarmingly sober.